


Depression is a Downward Spiral

by Jinxous



Series: Revelation [2]
Category: The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-04 23:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14031486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinxous/pseuds/Jinxous
Summary: Barry has been pushing it with promoting his movie, but what tires him out is that constant ignoring of his ex and director Leonard. His work has suffered for this, but this time it's lead to a panic attack, the road to recovery is getting bumpier.





	Depression is a Downward Spiral

**Author's Note:**

> Previous chapter: Acceptance is a Road to Recovery

Barry woke up to someone shaking him, Barry groggily stood and looked at the person daring to disturb his sleep. He met with the sight if Julian, a concerned look on his face. Sitting up Barry took note that he was in the abandoned cafeteria. “You okay mate?”

 

“Fine, just tired.” Barry mumbled, stretching.

 

“You might not be in a few minutes. Shooting started half an hour ago and nobodies been able to get a hold of you.”

 

“I forgot my phone.” Was all Barry had to say.

 

“Okay, well we’ve got to get back to set before Director Snart has an aneurysm.” Groaning Barry stood, wiping his tired eyes, only to smear his makeup.”

 

“Bullocks mate, now Laurel has to fix your makeup.” Julian said loudly, not helping Barry’s hangover, the remainder of last nights launch party. Barry hadn’t planned on going, but a day of misery twisted his arm into a night of fun with his co-stars. The walk over was loud as other movies ran around, gathering props. Barry sighed in bliss as he walked into the dark movie set, meeting the glares of both directors.

 

“Where have you been Mr. Allen? We have a strict schedule to follow and you running off so willy nilly isn’t built in for time.” Wells said, Barry walking past without a word, Julian explaining where Barry was. The young actor walked over to Laurel who looked both concerned and angry at the messed up makeup. She mumbled as she fixed the mess as fast as she could and sending him on set where he met his new cast members and his old. Len was shaking his head at him but continued with the scene directing.

 

When their lunch break had come Barry still didn’t have much appetite, so he just laid his head back down, hoping to get a few more minutes of shut-eye. Instead, he was once again shaken back to reality, Barry turning to glare at the culprit, coming face to face with Cisco. With energy he didn’t think he had he sprung on him, giving him a hug, only then realizing Caitlin behind him, hugging Kara. “You losers have room for two more?” Julian scooted down, making room for the two.

 

“You all look dead tired.” Caitlin said, looking at Barry.

 

“Late launch party last night, partied too hard.” Kara said, smiling.

 

“I still can’t believe they killed off both of you, both of you were the comedy aspect of the trilogy.”

 

“Hey, frees up my time. I got a new movie coming up.”

 

“That's great Cisco.”

 

“How are you holding up with Director Asshole.” Cisco asked, stealing a fry from Julian’s tray, the British man sliding his food away.

 

“Hasn’t actually talked to me, other than being a director.”

 

“Maybe he’s trying to co-exist.” Caitlin said.

 

“I’m waiting, after the last movie something's going to happen.” Cisco said, pointing to Caitlin and himself.

 

“He’s holding the script back, they won’t share the ending.”

 

“Someone’s getting offed. I think it’s Julian.” Cisco said, the other actor smacking him upside the head.

 

“It’s probably unfinished and they keep changing it.” Barry said, Caitlin, nudging him playfully.   
  


“Go get some food, you know you’re blood pressure.” Caitlin said, Barry, standing and going toward the cafeteria. 

 

“You guys are so close.” A girl said across the table, a small group of people having joined their table after eavesdropping.

 

“We’ve been around Barry since his first role, we just know almost everything about him.” Cisco said cockily, Caitlin rolling her eyes.

 

“We know a lot of what he's been through, so it kind of was a blow when we were killed off, but we hang out whenever we can.”

 

“Seems like a nice guy, I don’t understand how the director and he were engaged.”

 

“He was never an asshole to Barry, well until their break-up,” Kara said, looking over at Barry in line.

 

The young man was tapping his finger on his tray as his eyes wandered down to the food. At the end of the line was a tv, the news broadcasting a report on a prisoner being released. Raising an eyebrow Barry turned to face the cafeteria woman, who smiled as she scooped spaghetti onto his tray. Looking back he was greeted with the picture of an all too familiar face behind the newscasters head. Walking over in an almost trance-like state, standing right in front of the tv, able to read the captions on the screen.

 

_ Release for good behavior, Eobard Thawne was let back into the world for spending only 15 years behind bars after the double vehicular manslaughter of actress Nora Allen and her husband Henry.  _

 

Everything else went silent around Barry, he didn’t even hear the clatter of his tray as it toppled on the ground, his hands shaking. Eyes gathered to him as he stared at the tv, registering what he saw into his brain. When he finally came back to the world around him he was seated back at the table with his friends trying to get him to respond. “Barry? Are you okay?” Caitlin asked, only to be shoved away as Barry shot up. Taking no time he sprinted out of the cafeteria, his body seizing up as he managed to get out of the clustered place, only to run into crowds of people. Shoving his way through Barry stumbled, making it a great distance away from the cafeteria when his knees gave and he collapsed in the crowd. He couldn’t breathe, gasping for air as his chest compressed. The crowd had split, gathering a group of people asking if he was okay, Barry unable to respond. Suddenly his body was moving and he found himself outside the crowd.

 

He was sat down on a crate on the outside of the crowd, his vision swimming as he gasped at his savior. Looking over he saw Len holding his wrists, talking to him. “Barry, you’re having a panic attack. Focus on my voice.”

 

“I-I-I ca-can't.” Barry got out, tears falling down his cheeks.

 

“You can count with me.” Len said, holding up his hands. Barry nodded the best he could, watching Len’s hand as it shot up fingers. “One.”

 

“One.”

 

“Two.”

 

“T-Two.”

 

“Three.”

 

“Three.”

 

“Four.”

 

“F-Four.”

 

“Five.”

 

“Five.” Barry mumbles, breath starting to settle.

 

“Six.”

 

“Six.”

 

“Seven.”

 

“Seven.”

 

“Eight.”

 

“Eight.”

 

“Nine.”

 

“Nine.”

 

“Ten.”

 

“Ten.” Barry said, Len’s hands falling back to Barry’s wrist as the younger breathed in and out.

 

“There you are, just keep breathing.” Len said, rubbing circles into Barry’s wrists. “Does that feel better?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You should go to the hospital, I’ll take you.”

 

“I’m fine, I don’t need to go to the hospital.” Barry said, standing.

 

“Barry.” Len said as Barry started to walk away. “Take a cab home, you’re done for today.” Barry turned, about to argue until he saw Len’s stern face. 

 

“Whatever.” Barry growls, stomping off. 

  
  


Returning home Barry was greeted by a dirty coffee table, the young man sighing and going to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of wine and fall back onto the couch. It’d been a while since he had a panic attack, possibly since he’d began dating Len. He’d gotten them since his parents had died.

 

_ Barry had been making breakfast after spending the night at Len’s for the first time last night, nothing sexual, just cuddling on the bed and watching documentaries. They’d been dating for a month and it’d been slow moving, sure they kissed, but Barry had been waiting for Len to make the first move. Instead Barry decided that he should make the first move today since they both had it off. So here Barry started making food as Len slept in, thinking of how to push things to the next level. Grabbing a tray of food he’d prepared Barry walked into the bedroom quietly to see Len curled up in the comforter, Barry smiling. Bringing his foot up Barry lightly kicked him, making Len jump. The older turned, looking ready to punch someone, but recovered seeing Barry. _

 

_ “Hey Lenny, I made breakfast.” _

 

_ “Hey, you didn’t have to do that.” Len said tiredly but smiled as he waved Barry over. Sitting the tray down Barry sat down on the bed. _

 

_ “I wanted to, besides it’s a great way to start out the day.” Barry said, crawling over Len, smiling down at his boyfriend. _

 

_ “What’s on the schedule today.” _

 

_ “Maybe a nice day in.” Barry said, hand going under Len’s pajama shirt. “In bed.” _

 

_ “What are you doing?” Len asked, grabbing Barry’s hand. _

 

_ “I-I was just thinking that...we’ve been together for a month and we haven’t taken the next step. I know you’re probably worried that I’m not ready to have sex, but I am. We can just start slow and-.” _

 

_ “Hold up Barry. I wasn’t waiting till you’re ready...I’m not ready. It’s going to be a while before I am and I’d like it if you would respect that.” Barry’s chest clinched like he’d made a huge mistake. Pulling his hand back Barry’s hands fell into his lap, an awkward silence. Trying to break it Len grabbed the tray of food, smiling at it. “This looks amazing. I don’t remember the last time someone made me scrambled eggs, pancakes, bacon, coffee and is this sausage biscuit? This is amazing, all that's missing is-.” _

 

_ “Ketchup! I forgot the ketchup!” Barry shot up, hurrying out of the room, leaving Len too bit his lip. Running into the kitchen Barry leaned against the counter, biting his own lip, shaking his head. “Damn it.” He growled, smacking himself on the head with his palms. “Fucking stupid, selfish asshole. Of course you’re so worried about yourself that you don’t think of his feelings.” He grumbled, letting out a struggled breath and walking over to the fridge, grabbing the ketchup, and shutting the door. “You think that he’s going to be like every guy you’ve dated, all too willing to jump your bones because you put out. This is what Uncle Jay meant when he said no real man would come for you like this.” Barry mumbled, sitting the ketchup on the counter. His lip twitched as tears came to his eyes. “Now he's probably going to leave me, then it will be awkward at work, I’ll be the outcast of the whole movie.” He kneeled down, curling up against the island cabinets, hands in his hands as he let out a shivering breath, tears passing through. _

_ “What’s wrong with me mom and dad. Am I just wrong all together...is Uncle Jay right? Maybe I am just a whore that only needs a good screw to make me happy. Maybe...Maybe that’s all it is with Len. Oh god, I’m going to destroy him. I’m the worst boyfriend ever.” Barry cried, hearing the bed creak. “He’s going to dump me and kick me out, I can’t-” Barry shook, defaulting to laying on the floor, his breathing became labored, his chest clenching worse. _

 

_ “Hey, Barry! I don’t need ketchup! I like my eggs pl-.” Len froze, not seeing Barry. Looking at the front door he saw it was still latched, but saw no one. “Barry?” He said, getting worried as he walked over to the island. As soon as he saw feet sticking out he rushed to Barry, noting the boy curled up and shaking as he stared straight forward. Kneeling Len looked down at Barry, brushing his hand on Barry’s arm. “Barry? You need to slow your breathing.” _

 

_ “I-I can’t.” Barry whimpered, turning onto his back, fingernails digging into the tiled kitchen floor.  _

 

_ “Yes, you can. Count with me, Barry.” Len said, holding up his hand. It took a minute, but counting had helped Barry calm down. Len helped him back to his bedroom, Barry not talking or eating, just staring at his hands. After a while of silence, Len got up and took a shower, Barry finally breaking his stare to look around the room. He noted his things sitting all around, with a sigh Barry getting up and packing his things up, changing out of his pajamas. He sat on the bed with his bag, waiting for Len to come out. When he finally did come out he was greeted with Barry standing up, biting his lip. “Are you leaving already? I thought you were staying a few more days?” _

 

_ “I’m just packed so when I’m kicked out I don’t have to worry about forgetting stuff.” _

 

_ “Kicked out? Barry, why would I kick you out?” _

 

_ “Because that’s what happens when people see me have a panic attack. I’m too much and I get it, I really do. So I’m going to save you air and I’m going to just go.” He said, grabbing his bag, immediately having his hand trapped in Len’s. _

 

_ “I don’t want you to leave. I don’t care about any issues you have.” _

 

_ “But...I’m greedy.” _

 

_ “Because of the sex thing? It’s fine, I don’t care about that as long as you don’t try to force me.” _

 

_ “I would never, but I was being selfish.” _

 

_ “Why? Because you were thinking I was ready? I’ve been in a lot of relationships, sex always being the core. I like you Barry, so I don’t want to mess it up. I’m happy you told me you’re ready, so now it won’t be awkward when I finally take that step.” _

 

_ “So what now?” Barry asked, Len, pulling him in by his belt loops. _

 

_ “You unpack that bag, I’ll go make some reservations for dinner.” Before Barry could speak up he was pulled into a kiss, anything he was going to say melting in his mouth as he wrapped his arms around Len. Yeah, Len’s special. _


End file.
